to change the world.

In order to make a difference, first I need to make a difference in myself. I need to get my own life together before I can really travel down the path to helping others.

This means organizing my life and my commitments and discarding my laziness have to become my top priorities. Sitting in front of a computer all day following random Internet links is not productive. It is laziness. It is procrastination.

And I cannot afford to keep procrastinating my life away.

I have dreams. I have ambitions. Some are better defined than others. But I must strive for what is to come.

And to do this, I need to stop this endless laziness. I need to clean up my life, literally. I need to not only make to do lists, but check them off.

And it starts with today. It starts now.

I have been sitting in my pajamas all day, creating a few blog posts, messing around on Facebook, and reading. And while reading has consumed most of my day and has been very rewarding, it is time to take a break from that and be productive.

I know what I have to do. Now it's time to do it.

what i don't know.

I share my stories. And I have many more to share on this blog. But there are many stories I cannot tell just yet. I don't know what it's like to be married. I don't know what it's like to have a child. I don't know what it's like to truly be living on my own. I don't know what it's like to buy a house. I also don't know what it's like to truly deal with death and dying.

These are experiences I will have in the future. Just not yet.

But there are experiences I have never had and probably will never have (I hope...). I don't know what it's like to be homeless. I don't know what it's like to truly be hungry. I don't know what it's like to not be able to provide for myself and for those most closest to me. I don't know what it's like to not have access to medical attention when I or someone I love needs it most. And I don't know what it's like to come from a non-Christian faith experience.

There are many things I don't know. But I hope sharing what I do know and have experienced will help me and help you. Let's inspire each other's journeys. Let's make things happen neither of us could imagine on our own.

helping.

I used to think there was a strong divide between myself and those I have helped and those I can help in the future. And I still think that comes across in some of my writing at times. There may be differences between myself and others, but those differences do not divide us. They should not create an "us versus them" dynamic.

People come from all different circumstances and all different life journeys. Some people's circumstances are much more harsh then others, especially when they don't have access to life's necessities like food, clothing, and shelter. That can be viewed as a big difference between me and them.

However, does this mean deep down that we are on completely different levels as human beings?

Absolutely not.

We are all people. And someone living in the worst conditions could be far smarter than me. They might have the determination and confidence to do things I could never fathom.

And that's why I want to better understand other's journeys. That's why this blog isn't just about me. I'll share my stories; you share some too. I want to hear what everyone has to say.

All of life's experiences have value. And everyone has worth. Everyone's voices should be heard. Everyone has a story to tell.

because i can.

I stole this phrase from a book I'm currently reading that I'll review once I'm done, but for now, I have to note how much it struck me.

"Because I can."

In the book, the words are uttered by a dying 14-year-old girl who lives in an African slum. She goes out of her way to help an American who is researching there. When he asks why she takes such tremendous effort on her part (even though it's a small task to him that he simply did not want to carry out) to help him, she tells him those three words.

"Because I can."

She's thin. She's weak. Every movement seems to agonize her. But she helps him, simply because she still has the ability to do it.

And why not?

I am privileged. There is a lot I can do. I am smart. I am educated. I have many strengths and talents that I could be putting to very good uses. But instead I have been swallowed by my misfortunes. I let them consume me, even though they are nothing compared to what others are experiencing.

"Because I can."

Experiences that depress me:

• I am a college graduate with so many honors and great experiences who cannot get a job I feel I deserve. 
• I do not have any close friends who live near me, meaning my social life is fairly non-existant at the moment except when I make an effort to connect with far away friends via phone, texting, Facebook, or email. I get discouraged when I don't hear from friends often.
• I have dealt with an alcoholic father who had a profoundly negative effect on my childhood. This same man then had extremely complicated health conditions starting in my sophomore year of college and almost died multiple times. My experiences with him have shook my whole being.
• I am lazy. I find it hard to focus in my life since college since I do not know the "right" direction I should go.
• I hate still living at my parent's house. The atmosphere is not one that is good for me. I get frustrated and depressed.

"Because I can."

But what can I do? I have felt hopeless so many times, but these words have brought new life to my situation. 

Why should I get off my butt and do something? Why should I get past my pathetic misfortunes and find new strength in my way of living?

"Because I can."

I can do a lot. I can change the world if I want. I can help people. I can make a difference. I can. I can. I can.

This new awakening must guide my actions. I must stay committed to my life. I must carry through with my upcoming internships and embrace them fully, using the experiences to promote my next steps. It's time to figure out not only a career, but what I can uniquely bring to the world to help others. I must analyze my strengths and figure out how to promote change. 

Why?

"Because I can."

thanksgiving.

It may have been a while back, but giving thanks is something we should always be thinking about. Even though my cousin drew this adorable picture, the idea of Thanksgiving is not all about the turkey. Another corny cliché (apparently I use plenty of these sayings), but every day is a gift. And we need to remember that and to remember to give thanks for what we have been given.

I know I get overwhelmed with what isn't going right in my life: my job situation, trying to figure out what I should be doing (i.e. my life's purpose), differences between my boyfriend and me that are small now, but could continue into our marriage and grow bigger, rejection upon rejection when applying for what I consider more legitimate jobs (i.e. jobs that actually require a college education), my lack of organization in certain situations, my unfocused diet, my laziness, and so much more.

But I really know I must focus on the positives. When in college, I got bogged down with the stress of everything I took on. I couldn't focus. So I came up with a catch phrase: PositiveNESS! I took a piece of bright construction paper, got out my crayons (yes, I was in college and still kept a box of crayons in the back of one of my desk drawers!), and created a strong reminder of a trait I needed to possess by writing out my new word, PositiveNESS, and pinning in to my bulletin board. I kept it throughout my college career, always pinning it above my desk so I would see it when I was studying. And, believe it or not, I still have it. Although I haven't put it up since college, I'm thinking I should dig it out of whatever box full of old college paperwork it currently resides in and proudly display it again. That reminder is something always good to bring to light.

PositiveNESS leads to thanksgiving. When we look at the bright side of life, we realize we do have a lot to be thankful for, even if life seems horrible. I've gone through many trials in my life, many small ones, small very big ones, but I still have my life. I'm still here. And that means I have the power to change not only my life for the better, but the lives of those around me. I can make (and have made) an impact on others. And that's something to be thankful for.

While I may not have a job I like or my own home, I do have some income coming in that allows me to keep up with my payments and I do have a roof over my head thanks to my parents. I also have a lot of stuff, stuff that we really don't need as humans, like electronics, but that we desire.

Above all, I do have my basic needs met. Besides shelter, I have food and clothing and the means to provides these for myself. I have my boyfriend, my family, and my friends. While I may not have the most or best of anything in particular, I have more than enough. I have more than many people across the world. And I am thankful for that. I just need to realize that I can use these resources, which may seem limited by American standards, to do so much good for others. I really can.

my attempt at tofu.

I really like tofu. I first had it when I was living in China for a summer. After that, I didn't eat it too much back in the United States. I couldn't find too many places that served it (admittedly I don't go out to eat much anyway), and I definitely didn't know how to cook it myself. (Note: I'm a terrible cook.)

A few weeks ago, I tried the tofu at Noodles and Company. And ever since, I have been craving to have it again. I decided I really need to learn how to make it. So I bought a package of extra firm tofu from a local grocery store, looked up a simple recipe for fried tofu, and attempted to make it.

I failed miserably. (Or we could look at it as "a wonderful learning experience about how to not cook tofu.")

The outside was nice and crunchy and tasted great with the sesame ginger soy sauce with mandarin orange juice I marinated it in, but the inside was very soft and runny. Definitely not what I was going for.

I have since read up on some more tips to prepare tofu, so hopefully I can try those out and succeed in my next attempt. And, if you have any tips or suggestions, send them my way. I'd love to learn more about where I went wrong and create a list of easier recipes I can try.

Stay tuned for learning experience #2...

reflections on my faith.

I grew up Catholic. But I never had a strong home life to support learning about my Catholic faith. My dad didn't practice any religion, and my mom, who was raised Catholic, may have taught religious education for many years, but I knew she didn't really know any more than what was in the teacher's guidebook. We went to church off and on. And I never really understood the meanings behind what was happening.

By the time I reached tenth grade and was in confirmation class, I wanted to explore my faith more. And I was supposed to be doing this in my weekly classes. Unfortunately, the mentality of my teacher and the other students didn't really support truly learning what we were supposed to be learning. We did the worksheets and packets, but basically just to say we did. I didn't really learn as I wanted to.

I became a full member of the Catholic Church. Yet I didn't understand it very well at all.

By the time I was choosing colleges, I decided to attend a private Catholic school. I thought this would help me rebuild my faith. But this did not happen as expected. I became involved with the Catholic club on campus and took a basic theology course my first year. However, both didn't provide me with the experience I was seeking. The club was more for students who were extremely Catholic and knew a lot. I didn't and felt out of it. I still attended fairly regularly my first year, but didn't continue too much after that due to conflicting staff meetings and theatrical commitments. And the basic theology course was more of a basic introduction to Christianity. While I did learn a bit, the professor wanted us to learn a little about many Christian religions, so I didn't gain the knowledge I wanted to of the Catholic faith.

In my remaining years in college, I still attended mass nearly every Sunday, but never explored my faith as I desired. I tried to take advantage of attending speakers and other events on campus as I could, but never got the structured journey I knew I needed.

Since I graduated, my track record for attending mass has been horrible. I rarely make it. And this hurts me. I really want to rebuild my faith. And just explore it. And grow to understand it. I know that there are many religions out there and much to be explored. However, I have learned quite a bit about other religions while I was in college: my first-year seminar course looked at religions and popular culture, and I took an upper division theology course on Islam. But I really want to embrace the Catholic faith first and see where it takes me.

While many disagree with many of its teachings, I believe in the basic beliefs of the Catholic Church presented in the Nicene Creed. I think Catholic social teaching is simply great. And the basic morality of the Catholic Church is the root of my basic beliefs as a human being. I know there have been many controversies surrounding the Catholic Church, but I believe these have been brought on by people, not the Church itself. Just as there are corrupt teachers, political leaders, policemen, and businessmen, there are corrupt leaders and members of the Catholic Church. Their actions do not define the religion, just as  the wrongdoings of some political leaders do not define the basic beliefs of democracy.

I have been searching for resources that will help in the next steps in my faith journey. Thinking just now, I believe I should simply try to read the Catechism of the Catholic Church and study the Bible. While I do not expect to understand everything, it should help me in a starting point to understanding my faith. I just wish there was some concise study guide that might help me through to better understanding. I also need to make my way to mass more often.

And we will see where my faith goes from there. Little steps that hopefully will lead to understanding and commitment.